I’ve been happily married more than 28 years and wouldn’t trade any of it. It hasn’t always been easy, but life with Kelly has been good. I love her. Always have, but then I’m a sucker for ‘broken wings.’
Only in recent years have I realized or recognized that aspect of my personality, but I can see the seeds of that character trait going way back. Kelly is the first person I really recall with whom I exercised this ministry. We began dating before the parachuting accident that took both of her hands, though we weren’t serious. Truth be told, at that point, she was seeing someone else and I was sort of playing the field… but, she sure could fill out a pair of Army fatigues.
After her accident, everything changed. Most of her friends felt terribly awkward and abandoned her. I, on the other hand, visited the hospital or called frequently, initially out of duty more than anything. But, love (or, maybe, butt love 😉 ) quickly blossomed. She needed me. (She still has an amazing butt.)
I’m no hero, but a major driving force for my whole life, almost a mantra, has been: ‘You do whatcha gotta do!’
Our story has lots of details, some drama, and a short break up, but the bottom-line is that we were married six months after her accident. I asked her on a Wednesday, we saw the Justice of the Peace on Friday and I left for four months of US Army Ranger School on Sunday.
A second driving motto, learned as a Ranger, is: ‘I will never leave a fallen comrade.’ This, too, is a foundational principle that continually guides me.
Kelly and I were both reared in Christian homes and soon after I came back from Ranger School, we began church hopping eventually settling in a solid congregation where we could grow.
About 18 moths later, I got out of the military to stay closer to home and be able to help her adapt to and live a reasonably normal life. That’s when I first noticed my heart could take some interesting twists.
Guilt and Shame
We had been married about five years when I became emotionally attached to a lady at my place of work. The lady was divorced and going through a really rough time, and I was a listening ear and someone who could pray with and for her. The ease with which I could love Kelly and care deeply for this other lady scared me. In my discussion with my church pastor I came to the conclusion that I was in danger of committing, if I had not already committed, adultery. Yet, I had never touched the lady or even expressed to her what I was feeling.
She had needs, a figurative broken wing. I could help, but I had Kelly. I chose to walk away… and felt completely torn. I hurt for her, I hurt for Kelly (who knew nothing), and I ached for me.
Then a couple years later, I was in seminary when I noticed myself becoming emotionally attached to a classmate with whom I occasionally studied. In her case, I don’t recall a ‘broken wing’ issue, but she was single, had not found a husband and enjoyed male fellowship. Again, I was torn. I wanted to help. I wanted to ‘rescue’ her. I could easily love her, but I suppressed it. I loved Kelly and I had a young family. Anybody that knew anything in seminary “knew” that I couldn’t possibly love her and Kelly. That would be sin of epic proportions.
I hurt. I felt guilty.
There may have been a few others, but I had learned well… I loved Kelly, but I also had a heart for other ladies and it scared me. I was a rotten, sinful, adulterer… even if I had never touched or confessed love to any other woman. Clearly, I had a serious spiritual problem. According to Christian doctrine, it was a sin to be concerned enough about a single lady that I just wanted to take care of her. I lived with near constant concern for my heart and spiritual well being. It was a burden almost too heavy to bear.
Time passed. Life went on. I worked and conducted ministry. And, I wrestled with my heart!
We moved and, through a sequence of events, I again found myself in a new job and within weeks was working with and getting to know a neat lady. She was single, a survivor of a very abusive relationship, who really was just trying to get her life together. We became fast friends and I began to minister to her damaged heart in prayer, encouragement, and wise counsel. And, I noticed my heart getting involved.
For nearly a year, I worked with her daily, often having time for deep conversation on a number of matters. I encouraged her to date, even tried a few failed attempts at connecting her with a good man. Nothing really worked and my heart grew increasingly fond of her. Once again, I began to worry that I was on the edge of grave sin. She was quite broken and I wanted to help.
Interestingly, a few years prior, I had cried out to God concerning some research in the area of prophecy. I prayed a very simple prayer, “God, I just want truth!! I don’t care what it costs!” Well, He fed me truth from a fire hose as I learned about and jettisoned one church tradition after another. (That whole story is in the first year or two of my Scripture blog, natsab.com.) One thing I learned on that journey is that the ‘church line’ is often not what Scripture actually says. I returned to the Scriptures alone and my faith practice changed considerably. In the process, I lost many friends who were afraid of bucking the tradition, but found my relationship with the Messiah to be sweeter and the blessings to be greater. Indeed, truth is worth any price and ‘narrow is the way!’
Having had that experience, and my heart once again entangled, I decided that instead of accepting the ‘church doctrine line’ about adultery, I was going to dig into Scripture and see for myself. What does God’s Word actually say? Was I in sin having this wicked heart that desired to care for and protect a woman besides my wife? Or, was there a loophole somewhere?
I spent months digging in the Scriptures and I couldn’t find anything that supported the ‘Christian’ position on traditional marriage or the modern definition of adultery. In fact, I figured out that they call it ‘traditional marriage’ because they can’t call it Biblical Marriage. I dared write a large article titled Marriage, Adultery, and Christian Error that I published on Christmas Day, 2014. I chose that day, weeks after completing the article, because I hoped in the pic/gift hype that most would gloss over or simply miss my article. I knew I had a bombshell. Since then, I, along with others, have published many additional articles and I have found and collected supporting resources and documents. My case is more solid than ever! (The details and many supporting documents and Scripture studies are on our Resources page in the Books and Articles sections.)
My bombshell revelations included the correct Scriptural definition of adultery, God’s marriage design, and why a pastor, priest, or license is not needed to be married (technically, ‘one flesh’). The backlash was swift and sharp, but I knew in my heart I had not crossed some line of sin. I was free, even as a married man, to allow my heart to be involved in personal ministry to a single lady.
Joy rushed in and a burden I had carried for nearly three decades was significantly loosened, but had not fully fallen. What I knew for sure was that I wasn’t an adulterer. In fact, even as a married man, I couldn’t commit adultery with a single lady. It is Biblically, physically, and spiritually impossible!! FALSE church doctrines had been foisted upon me by the Adversary to cause immeasurable guilt and shame for a FAKE sin! That’s right, the Church had used a FALSE sin to hold me prisoner and teach contrary to the Word of God. It was they who were sinning, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
As a side note, I also learned that the Church is quite wrong on their definition of lust and they misuse it to emasculate and beat up men for something the Bible doesn’t call a sin!! That is a topic that I or another staff writer will cover in the near future. But, I digress.
It was more than two years after my bombshell article that I was searching the internet for resource material to further my studies when I discovered Patriarch Publishing House and an amazing little book titled The Great Omission by Clyde Pilkington, Jr.
A Specially Equipped and Gifted Heart
The whole book was an amazing encouragement and confirmation. His main argument is that many, many, single women – spinstresses, widows, and divorcees – had historically been marginalized or jettisoned by the Church in the name of a false monogamy-only doctrine, nowhere found in Scripture. The amount of hurt and destruction caused by this false doctrine for the sake of self righteousness cannot be over estimated. But, it was chapter three of The Great Omission that finally and totally set me free as a Godly man who had the heart of David!
Too long to quote, I’ll tack in a screen shot of a couple pages. I highly recommend this entire book as well as many other authors at their site. Biblical justification for the author’s position is abundantly supplied in other parts of the book as well as throughout the resources on this site and many other places.
There is much more I could write, but the most important point is to address the FAKE sin that is created by false church doctrine to beat both men and women up. I figured out that I am not sinning by having a desire or even exercising the desire to care for a woman besides my wife. God simply has some rules for how that is to be handled in order to treat each woman fairly and with dignity and respect.
Take Away Lessons for Men and Women
Men : God designed and created us to be protectors and providers and He has well equipped many of us with the ability to love and care for a family that is larger than one woman. The responsibility is higher and the spiritual maturity is much higher, but it is well within the created order and purpose of man. Study, learn, grow and seek the Father carefully on this matter before running ahead of Him.
Women : God has designed and created you to be under the covering of a man and part of a family unit. Ladies, God has not designed you to be the end-all, be-all, do-all for a man and his family. Generally, you are not designed for that burden, particularly if God has given your husband a big vision. You are designed and equipped to work as part of a team. Therefore, any single woman who desires a Godly man is not limited to fishing the bottom of the barrel. ANY Godly man that understands what Scripture actually teaches regarding family structure that is willing to be your leader and protector is fair game. Understand, though, joining an existing family is not easy and requires a significant level of spiritual maturity on the part of all parties. See Jessie’s Journal for some insight!!
I do pray that in reading and understanding the material shared here and on our Resources page that some of you have found a path to begin exploring areas of struggle that maybe are entirely fake sins created by false doctrines and traditions taught as truth. Maybe the reason you struggle in some ways is precisely because of God’s calling in your life. Truth indeed sets free, particularly where it sunders false teaching that binds the very desires or giftings that GOD gave you.