Letters to my sister wife. A year later.

Dear Sister wife, March 8,2021

Has it really been about a year later since I wrote to you? Really!? Time goes by so fast! I’ve been through all the ups and downs of 2020. Covid has nothing on what I have been through in my submissive wife training that’s for sure. It’s been very humbling to say the least. Most would say it was the worst year of their lives. No toilet paper, no groceries, mask wearing and no clue of what the future will be like. I on the other hand say it was a pretty amazing year of spiritual change through and through. I have a note card that I pinned to the side of my bed. It says “Sometimes it takes 10 yrs to get the change you desperately need.” Well 2020 was certainly my year. I purposefully shifted mindset to the fathers will for my life in all things. One of the main things I did during my walk was, I actually tested the Father 3 times. Yes I know. I also can’t believe I did that either. Like seriously tested him. Looked up and said “if you actually want submission from me, then the next time I disagree or have a disagreement I will keep my mouth completely shut and let Matthew have his way. Let’s see what happens after that God.” And 3 times he showed up during the mental, emotional and spiritual tests (they are always all in one) and during these tests He said I’m right here, you did well Jessie and I will always love and protect you. Matthew always came back to me in love and either apologized for his words when he was frustrated or he just lovingly discussed what happened. EVERY time. When I passed Gods test the 3rd time, I threw up my hands and submitted to all of him. The 2nd time I tested the father was because the 1st time went so well I lifted an eyebrow and thought, “fluke.” Then when the same fluke happened again the 2nd time I HAD to test once more just to make sure. After all, 3rd times a charm right? From that moment on, freedom came for me and the entire household. Didn’t say I got it all down pat but during this transition I was learning a lot. So many times the Father had to nudge me back in my place. But all of that to know I am free! I want to shout it from the rooftop. No more jealousy no more rebelliousness. (Ok. Maybe not entirely no more but I was definitely nowhere I use to be) All that I have in me is the love for the Father. And I know that I know his in depth love for me. It’s what literally keeps me going. If the path that Matthew and I walk down leads us to you, I am ready to be the best sister wife I can be. I’m spiritually trained up and strong. Taught straight from the Father himself. He took the time to train me. I am humbled. I am submissive, I am empathic, I learned hospitality. I can now lower myself. I can be gentle and kind and not make excuses like I use to. I cannot wait for you to be in our lives. But it’s all on Yahs timing. So Matthew and I will continue to pray and wait. However, we can see a gentle, sweet, kind, spiritual silhouette of an uncovered woman out in the distance. The silhouette just split in three. Shorter ones right next to the bigger. Are these children? The image is getting closer but still I can’t tell if it’s you just yet. We are in prayer.

Love, Jessie

Who pulls the strings?

I’ve been thinking on yesterday, and how I was told by another woman how perfect I make myself out to be because I practice and teach women submission and patriarchy. This woman that “needed to be honest with me” is also a head covered, Torah observant woman. (Eye roll.) Why don’t you actually get to know me and ask questions? (Please and thank you). Which is why I can’t help but think about how much our fellowships are being subtly controlled by the women there.

So how’s y’alls fellowships doing? I’ll tell you what, our fellowship here doesn’t talk about submission, nor do we EVER talk Biblical marriage/polygyny. We only talk about “non triggering” topics. That’s what the women call them. It’s super cute and catchy, huh? And, we don’t talk about such things even if they are in the Torah portions. Why do you think that is? Well, I ask, what husband wants to go home to a contentious wife?

I really just want to encourage you ladies to keep the good walk of faith, in faith. Gravitate to women who are actually PRACTICING submission, meaning they don’t just cluck like a bunch of loud hens. They walk the walk. It may have very little to do with poly, or a lot to do with poly. And, please be cautious, or better yet, stay out of the company of women that say phrases like, “WE (they speak for their husbands) aren’t called to that lifestyle. My husband would tell me.” Sure he would. “My husband said he can’t handle another woman in the house.” You may certainly be right about that one. Who in the heck wants 2 unsubmissive wives with mouths and attitudes? But, do you think he would say no to 2 or 3 fully submitted, Yah fearing women? “It’s in the Bible and some people have chosen that life style, but it isn’t for us.” Again, that speaks for her idea of family structure, not his.

Speaking FOR your husband and family is not ok. But, having genuine concerns and fear is something else. “It makes me feel…..”, or “This isn’t easy because…..” Those are valid statements, but feelings shouldn’t be the rule. Gravitate to a woman, even if not in a plural marriage, who is fully on board with submitting to her Heavenly Father and Head of the household…the one whom she calls master, whom she says “yes sir” to regularly. A sister who can be commanded to do something and not have to think twice about it. Follow that woman. Don’t have that woman in your fellowship? Then let it start with you.

Your covering should be able to speak authoritatively over you and his household. He should be able to correct you when needed, and tell you who he doesn’t think fits the bill in your friendships. If a “friend” isn’t helping you to grow, strengthening you, keeping you accountable and uplifting you spiritually, you need to move on. She is probably one of the reasons why your fellowship can’t be open in discussing all the triggering things men WANT to talk about. These women, even though not married to your husbands, can actually have control over THEM in the fellowship!! It’s always wise and good to be friendly, but by becoming close friends with women that resist submission, you may be enabling them to continue their rebellion. Thus your fellowship stays STUCK. Period. When will patriarchy and Biblical marriage ever be brought up and discussed? So if there is never any change, expect to find egg shells on your husband’s feet. Will you help him pick them off, or will he have to do it alone?

Letters to my Sister Wife: Submission – He is enough

April 18th 2020 (Saturday)

So, wow. Not sure how to start this one. Just wow. Last night was such a spirit filled God breaking chains kind of night. I feel so free now. I just cannot even believe this is real life. Backing up to the beginning of this journey. Submitting has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, not just any submission, but submitting to my husband’s desires. His desire for a second wife. Ok so having a second wife isn’t sin. I see all the wonderful things it can bring to our marriage. What I fear the most in submission when it comes to a second wife is the word love. Not the kissing and hugging and not even the sex really. When I see love, I see my husband holding my sister wife and looking deep into her soul and professing his undying love to her, telling her she is his world and he will be there for her, always. THIS, is my fear and where my jealousy comes from. I fight this demon and fight it often. I’ve prayed and prayed that this feeling would be lifted off of me. When I think, I can handle it and have a good day not thinking about these things again, I have these raging jealous tendencies. The enemy would have me so tight in his grip I could NOT EVER be at peace. I would literally be tormented by this thought 24 hours a day. I could not sleep. I’d wake up daily at around 3 a.m. to the demons that would speak to me, eating away at every inch of me until l completely literally freak out. And my freak out mode would be directed at Matthew. Every time. It got to the point where Matthew would get so annoyed with me even after telling me how much I was loved and how he would never want a second if I felt the way I do. He would hold up his flag and say he gives up. At that moment, I won. You would think I would finally feel better but I didn’t. Matthew would start to  question himself as to why he ever thought this was God’s calling. But why? Because I made him submit to ME. That’s right. I manipulated him into submitting to my emotions. When he did this, for a brief moment I felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off of my chest. I would take the biggest sigh of relief. Until God started talking to me. “Jessie, what are you doing? This isn’t right. You need to give Matthew back his place and submit to him. Things will be better this way.” Ugh! Really!? Why God? Why do I have to feel bad again right after I can finally breathe? I would feel such guilt. I felt so ashamed with my manipulation. I didn’t even realize what I was doing. Why was I making my husband who is supposed to be above me, below me? So, I would apologize to Matthew, ask for forgiveness and go back to being so happy because Matthew was back in his place as the leader of his home. All was well after my submission. I felt free and at total peace after I submitted. Me being me, I would repeat this yo-yo instability over and over. Be submitted then get jealous and whine like a baby until he gives up and gives me the power above him. So last night was different. So, last night while Matthew and I made love and made me feel completely loved in his embrace, God showed up. I have never experienced God showing up in any sexual intercourse. This was very different. But he needed to show up here. He needed to be there to tell me and show me he loves me. In that moment God asked “Do you see? I have all the love you need and I can love you fully. Matthew can do the same too. He has enough love for more than just you. He will fully love you and your sister wife with the same amount of love.” I couldn’t help but have a praise session during love making. It was so real, so raw, so God. At that moment my chains of bondage were released from me. Finally. But was it absolutely true? I then asked God to show me if it was. To allow me to feel the same freeing feeling in the morning. So, in the morning I felt alright. I looked over at Matthew and asked him to test me. To tell me something that would have normally upset my stomach. He played out a scenario in his head and shared with me. I still felt free. Then I asked God again, if this is real please allow me to feel this peace when the sun goes down later on. In the evening hours is when my raging hormones always get the best of me. The peace of God was still there. I indeed was free. Not my jealousy issues in a general sense but that Matthew’s love is more than enough for just one. Just like the Fathers.

Click here to see all entries in Jessie’s Journal.

Letters to my Sister Wife: A New Friend

April 17th 2020 (Friday) 

God makes me laugh out loud. He makes me smile. He is so good at being good. When I think he is so far away. When I think I have been abandoned by him, he always shows me how impatient I am. Almost childish of me really. He brought to me at the most perfect timing a 1st wife living in this plural lifestyle. We hit things off so well and I can call her a really great new friend. How wonderful is God? How ridiculous God has to show me how wonderful he is. Boy, I feel pretty dumb. I praise you Lord for all you reveal to your simple-minded servant. You are so so good. Thank you for new friendships. Thank you for the path you lead me down. You are amazing. Here I am Lord, flawed and small. I am not worthy of such love yet you freely give it all to me, always and daily. You fill all my emptiness with your tender love and mercy. You are the King of my heart and forever I will follow you.

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Lose control – Gain control

April 16th, 2020 Thursday

Dear Sister Wife, 

Screwing up, it seems, is what I do BEST! Not proud of that in the least bit, but I got that one in the bag. I wish with everything in me I could be the best version of me every single day. But my thoughts eat at me and eat at me so much, so I am nothing. I am a nobody. I have no control over just ME. I have no say for myself I have no rights to myself; I have no love for myself. I can’t even think of normal thoughts for myself anymore. So, I screwed life up again. What’s new!?… Hours later, after taking a craptastic run with Matthew. I ran and was running very angry. And then I stopped to cry. Where do these emotions come from, God? Why? Just why? We get home, and Matthew and I talk. Then we fought. He feels I’m not submissive, and I don’t think that I’m not. I am just feeling “things” not good things, and I just don’t know how to describe them and why they still come about when I think I am good, I’m absolutely NOT! Why do I sway so badly? When we get out of the car, I lose control of what I can’t control…AGAIN. What’s new? I need to release my anger. I learned anger comes because my steady ground is shifting. Shifts make me worry. Worry I can’t control makes me angry. This all makes perfect sense now! I get it. After I smashed my new Thermos onto the ground, I breathed a little, thought a little, prayed a little, and then worked up enough strength to talk to Matthew like an emotional wife but controlled it the very best I could. Things worked out. He’s so patient and was able to speak to me in love. He’s such a wonderful man. Like he is always.

Love 1st wife in training, Jessie 

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Baggage

April 15th, 2020 Wednesday

Dear Sister Wife, 

I am in THAT PLACE AGAIN. That awful, depressing place where I feel completely alone and even betrayed. Why do these feelings come and go? Is it because I’m conjuring up ideas into my head and trying to manipulate a situation for my gain? Like trying to get Matthew to stop thinking these plural marriage ideas. Or am I forgetting that I have past baggage? Real true-life baggage that needs work? I REALLY need to know, and I can’t even answer my own question cause it’s so dark here. 

….Hours later. 3 pm now. Earlier much earlier, Matthew helped talk to me to calm me through Facebook messenger. He made me feel loved. I actually felt better maybe an hour to an hour and a half or two at longest from where I started this morning. Know what? That’s a record. I’m kinda proud of that. Matthew is on his way home, and he asked me if I wanted to go mushroom foraging with him this evening. I’m not a huge mushroom foraging lover, but I love being with my wonderful man. And I love any kind of exercise I can get these chilly days. 

Love, Jessie

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Shaky Ground

April 14th 2020 Tuesday 

Dear Sister Wife,

I struggled a little bit yesterday with my jealousy issues. The fact that I will one day have to share Mathew’s love. I have to admit though I wasn’t prayed up to even start the day so I guess really, I didn’t start the day right at all. I need to get much better at that. Need to wake up early and get a better perspective on life with God guiding me through His word and meditation. Anyway, while in my jealousy I tend to get very quiet. In my jealousy, I tend to get very upset but it’s not a good enough reason to be mad. It’s what I choose though. This isn’t about jealousy but I heard it best by a guy Mathew talked to on the phone today talking about people in today’s culture not taking the Bible as it is. They only take it how it is preached to them and a lot is wrong. So anyway he said when you open up a different idea, the (right) idea to them and they hear something completely foreign, their stable ground shakes. They cannot control the ground shaking and therefore they get mad because they are not in control of the situation they are used to. It is human nature to feel this way. I guess that is where I am at when my jealous tendencies arise. I get angry. I wonder if I am angry at myself or angry at the situation presented to me. I need to think about that one a little bit. Good question though. I do hope and pray these jealousies pass and pass quickly because I can’t do this anymore. I want total peace in my life. How am I good to anyone without peace? I need it and as a mother my children need it. Anyway, it’s evening and I am upset enough to let Mathew know I just want a shower, to be clean and I want peace and quiet in bed. I do not want any talking or “Intimate” time. I’m much too stressed. Someone please take me out back and put me out of my misery. Sigh. I do hope I wake up on a much happier note in the morning and I don’t want to forget to start with the Bible and prayer.

Love 1st wife in training, Jessie

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Dream Prayer

April 12th 2020 Sunday

Dear Sister Wife, 

I prayed for you, and guess what else? You let Matthew know that in his sleep, he woke up to a female voice saying “You prayed for me”. Kind of freaked him out. When he told me it kind of freaked me out as well. Why? Because I knew my next letter to you would start with “I prayed for you” I’m not sure what that means. Did he just have a deep connection with the spiritual realm? Ha ha, or was it because he is just usually in much deep thought? We don’t know, but we don’t remember much these days, just trusting the path the Lord is leading. 

Love, Jessie

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Jessie’s Journal: Coming Out

I recently joined a Christian polygamy forum that have open discussions about plural marriage. I asked a few times for advice on specific topics, I addressed this in the form of a  “Coming out” post, where I asked how I should go about doing this. Many people suggested I keep my mouth shut until a sister wife was in the foreseeable future. This would keep me from unnecessary hurt in case it never happened. I understand that standpoint, I also know that it was mine and my husband’s desire to let people know who we are and where we stand and how far we stand on God’s word. The topic is much more profound than what a pastor is expected to preach behind the pulpit. Regardless of the denomination, we should read the scriptures in order to find the truth. So, I did what any impatient woman does, I opened up to only a few people I felt I needed to, then I went back onto the forum and wrote this response to my original post.

 “So, I know I asked for advice on coming out, but I ended up doing my own thing anyway. Typical girl move, huh? Lol. Though I did decide to keep it to a minimal amount of people. People in my life that I thought were FOR ME, never against me. I told a Christian individual that warms a pew, a non-christian individual that has a wife with a very gay best friend, and an open-minded “backsliding” (according to the baptist faith) Christian in general if you will. I’m talking about what God’s will for me and my hubby’s life consists of. Plural Marriage. The reason I shared with a few is because of my sincere trust and love I have for them. They love me too, why wouldn’t I share my life journey now, so they know what is to come if or when it happens. Let’s not have my close circle freak out later when they can get used to the idea now. I wanted to share my revelation of how modern church doctrine had twisted the scriptures in order to mold a congregation into what another human pastor teaches, simply because that was what he was taught. I believed that these people would want to know what I know and learn what I learned and how I got to this point of thinking. To understand why I think it is biblical, why I would “Allow” my husband to take on another wife. None of these questions were brought to my attention as I thought they would be. Long story short, my do anything for his little girl father, completely stopped talking to me after telling me I must think I know better than every Baptist pastor. Then my non Christian brother said “You do you, but for honesty’s sake as soon as your husband finds another wife I will never respect him for cheating on you even if it was permissible by you” and lastly the other brother and sister-in-law (the open-minded lefty backsliders) were the most supportive as I pretty much assumed they would be. After all this went down I thought “Well for sheets and giggles why not ask another individual from my husband’s past with whom he had passing conversations with many years ago even before I came along” guess what? He KNEW the word, and he is in it to win it for the kingdom. Praise the Lord! We were floored with what knowledge was spoken to us; it was God speaking through him. We needed those words of encouragement that were very welcoming. However, on the flip-side the eye-opening moments are the not so kind moments I welcome as well. I know now that God is only for us not against us, and for his namesake, we press on come hurt and trials and tribulation. I love my man with all my heart; he is my King, and my heart desire is to please him, alone, -or- with whomever God brings into our future. Yes, this hurts so so deeply, maybe I should have stayed quiet, but I am actually glad I didn’t. I will be stronger because it makes me want to dig deeper and hold on tighter to God’s word.”

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Letting go

April 10th, 2020 Friday

Dearest sister wife,

I wanted to start this journal/letter about a week ago. Writing things down helps me think more clearly. I have not always been this way; it is something I just recently started doing, and I wonder if it is my age. Almost being 40 causes a lot of change in one’s character, I suppose. I am currently in the back seat of our Toyota taking my mind off of Matthew teaching Jamie to drive. I have earbuds in listening to Pandora and writing to you, so I can’t hear what’s going on. I’m too busy writing to look up and see how I might end up dying! My life these days feels like I have no control of anything.


I guess the point is, I NEED TO LET GO. Let life happen. Walk in faith and truth. God and Matthew are leading me to be the strong woman I am meant to be. Oh great! I just freaked out as I felt the car slowing down behind an Amish family in a horse and buggy, Jamie had to pass up. Oh, my soul! Sigh, we didn’t hit them. Thank you, Lord!  I did end up speaking out in freak out mode though. I did what I said I wouldn’t do before we started the driving lesson. I freaked out. I can’t turn up the music loud enough, can’t keep my head down in writing long enough, to do what I set my mind to do. To submit myself in silent stillness and allow Matthew to be the one leading Jamie in her driving lesson. I guess she is not the only one taking a life lesson. Boy, I still have to work on me, I see, but I knew that, I always know that—another reason for these letters.

Love, Jessie

Click here to see all entries in Jessie’s Journal.