Letters to my Sister Wife: Submission – He is enough

April 18th 2020 (Saturday)

So, wow. Not sure how to start this one. Just wow. Last night was such a spirit filled God breaking chains kind of night. I feel so free now. I just cannot even believe this is real life. Backing up to the beginning of this journey. Submitting has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, not just any submission, but submitting to my husband’s desires. His desire for a second wife. Ok so having a second wife isn’t sin. I see all the wonderful things it can bring to our marriage. What I fear the most in submission when it comes to a second wife is the word love. Not the kissing and hugging and not even the sex really. When I see love, I see my husband holding my sister wife and looking deep into her soul and professing his undying love to her, telling her she is his world and he will be there for her, always. THIS, is my fear and where my jealousy comes from. I fight this demon and fight it often. I’ve prayed and prayed that this feeling would be lifted off of me. When I think, I can handle it and have a good day not thinking about these things again, I have these raging jealous tendencies. The enemy would have me so tight in his grip I could NOT EVER be at peace. I would literally be tormented by this thought 24 hours a day. I could not sleep. I’d wake up daily at around 3 a.m. to the demons that would speak to me, eating away at every inch of me until l completely literally freak out. And my freak out mode would be directed at Matthew. Every time. It got to the point where Matthew would get so annoyed with me even after telling me how much I was loved and how he would never want a second if I felt the way I do. He would hold up his flag and say he gives up. At that moment, I won. You would think I would finally feel better but I didn’t. Matthew would start to  question himself as to why he ever thought this was God’s calling. But why? Because I made him submit to ME. That’s right. I manipulated him into submitting to my emotions. When he did this, for a brief moment I felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off of my chest. I would take the biggest sigh of relief. Until God started talking to me. “Jessie, what are you doing? This isn’t right. You need to give Matthew back his place and submit to him. Things will be better this way.” Ugh! Really!? Why God? Why do I have to feel bad again right after I can finally breathe? I would feel such guilt. I felt so ashamed with my manipulation. I didn’t even realize what I was doing. Why was I making my husband who is supposed to be above me, below me? So, I would apologize to Matthew, ask for forgiveness and go back to being so happy because Matthew was back in his place as the leader of his home. All was well after my submission. I felt free and at total peace after I submitted. Me being me, I would repeat this yo-yo instability over and over. Be submitted then get jealous and whine like a baby until he gives up and gives me the power above him. So last night was different. So, last night while Matthew and I made love and made me feel completely loved in his embrace, God showed up. I have never experienced God showing up in any sexual intercourse. This was very different. But he needed to show up here. He needed to be there to tell me and show me he loves me. In that moment God asked “Do you see? I have all the love you need and I can love you fully. Matthew can do the same too. He has enough love for more than just you. He will fully love you and your sister wife with the same amount of love.” I couldn’t help but have a praise session during love making. It was so real, so raw, so God. At that moment my chains of bondage were released from me. Finally. But was it absolutely true? I then asked God to show me if it was. To allow me to feel the same freeing feeling in the morning. So, in the morning I felt alright. I looked over at Matthew and asked him to test me. To tell me something that would have normally upset my stomach. He played out a scenario in his head and shared with me. I still felt free. Then I asked God again, if this is real please allow me to feel this peace when the sun goes down later on. In the evening hours is when my raging hormones always get the best of me. The peace of God was still there. I indeed was free. Not my jealousy issues in a general sense but that Matthew’s love is more than enough for just one. Just like the Fathers.

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Letters to my Sister Wife: A New Friend

April 17th 2020 (Friday) 

God makes me laugh out loud. He makes me smile. He is so good at being good. When I think he is so far away. When I think I have been abandoned by him, he always shows me how impatient I am. Almost childish of me really. He brought to me at the most perfect timing a 1st wife living in this plural lifestyle. We hit things off so well and I can call her a really great new friend. How wonderful is God? How ridiculous God has to show me how wonderful he is. Boy, I feel pretty dumb. I praise you Lord for all you reveal to your simple-minded servant. You are so so good. Thank you for new friendships. Thank you for the path you lead me down. You are amazing. Here I am Lord, flawed and small. I am not worthy of such love yet you freely give it all to me, always and daily. You fill all my emptiness with your tender love and mercy. You are the King of my heart and forever I will follow you.

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Lose control – Gain control

April 16th, 2020 Thursday

Dear Sister Wife, 

Screwing up, it seems, is what I do BEST! Not proud of that in the least bit, but I got that one in the bag. I wish with everything in me I could be the best version of me every single day. But my thoughts eat at me and eat at me so much, so I am nothing. I am a nobody. I have no control over just ME. I have no say for myself I have no rights to myself; I have no love for myself. I can’t even think of normal thoughts for myself anymore. So, I screwed life up again. What’s new!?… Hours later, after taking a craptastic run with Matthew. I ran and was running very angry. And then I stopped to cry. Where do these emotions come from, God? Why? Just why? We get home, and Matthew and I talk. Then we fought. He feels I’m not submissive, and I don’t think that I’m not. I am just feeling “things” not good things, and I just don’t know how to describe them and why they still come about when I think I am good, I’m absolutely NOT! Why do I sway so badly? When we get out of the car, I lose control of what I can’t control…AGAIN. What’s new? I need to release my anger. I learned anger comes because my steady ground is shifting. Shifts make me worry. Worry I can’t control makes me angry. This all makes perfect sense now! I get it. After I smashed my new Thermos onto the ground, I breathed a little, thought a little, prayed a little, and then worked up enough strength to talk to Matthew like an emotional wife but controlled it the very best I could. Things worked out. He’s so patient and was able to speak to me in love. He’s such a wonderful man. Like he is always.

Love 1st wife in training, Jessie 

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Baggage

April 15th, 2020 Wednesday

Dear Sister Wife, 

I am in THAT PLACE AGAIN. That awful, depressing place where I feel completely alone and even betrayed. Why do these feelings come and go? Is it because I’m conjuring up ideas into my head and trying to manipulate a situation for my gain? Like trying to get Matthew to stop thinking these plural marriage ideas. Or am I forgetting that I have past baggage? Real true-life baggage that needs work? I REALLY need to know, and I can’t even answer my own question cause it’s so dark here. 

….Hours later. 3 pm now. Earlier much earlier, Matthew helped talk to me to calm me through Facebook messenger. He made me feel loved. I actually felt better maybe an hour to an hour and a half or two at longest from where I started this morning. Know what? That’s a record. I’m kinda proud of that. Matthew is on his way home, and he asked me if I wanted to go mushroom foraging with him this evening. I’m not a huge mushroom foraging lover, but I love being with my wonderful man. And I love any kind of exercise I can get these chilly days. 

Love, Jessie

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Shaky Ground

April 14th 2020 Tuesday 

Dear Sister Wife,

I struggled a little bit yesterday with my jealousy issues. The fact that I will one day have to share Mathew’s love. I have to admit though I wasn’t prayed up to even start the day so I guess really, I didn’t start the day right at all. I need to get much better at that. Need to wake up early and get a better perspective on life with God guiding me through His word and meditation. Anyway, while in my jealousy I tend to get very quiet. In my jealousy, I tend to get very upset but it’s not a good enough reason to be mad. It’s what I choose though. This isn’t about jealousy but I heard it best by a guy Mathew talked to on the phone today talking about people in today’s culture not taking the Bible as it is. They only take it how it is preached to them and a lot is wrong. So anyway he said when you open up a different idea, the (right) idea to them and they hear something completely foreign, their stable ground shakes. They cannot control the ground shaking and therefore they get mad because they are not in control of the situation they are used to. It is human nature to feel this way. I guess that is where I am at when my jealous tendencies arise. I get angry. I wonder if I am angry at myself or angry at the situation presented to me. I need to think about that one a little bit. Good question though. I do hope and pray these jealousies pass and pass quickly because I can’t do this anymore. I want total peace in my life. How am I good to anyone without peace? I need it and as a mother my children need it. Anyway, it’s evening and I am upset enough to let Mathew know I just want a shower, to be clean and I want peace and quiet in bed. I do not want any talking or “Intimate” time. I’m much too stressed. Someone please take me out back and put me out of my misery. Sigh. I do hope I wake up on a much happier note in the morning and I don’t want to forget to start with the Bible and prayer.

Love 1st wife in training, Jessie

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Dream Prayer

April 12th 2020 Sunday

Dear Sister Wife, 

I prayed for you, and guess what else? You let Matthew know that in his sleep, he woke up to a female voice saying “You prayed for me”. Kind of freaked him out. When he told me it kind of freaked me out as well. Why? Because I knew my next letter to you would start with “I prayed for you” I’m not sure what that means. Did he just have a deep connection with the spiritual realm? Ha ha, or was it because he is just usually in much deep thought? We don’t know, but we don’t remember much these days, just trusting the path the Lord is leading. 

Love, Jessie

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Jessie’s Journal: Coming Out

I recently joined a Christian polygamy forum that have open discussions about plural marriage. I asked a few times for advice on specific topics, I addressed this in the form of a  “Coming out” post, where I asked how I should go about doing this. Many people suggested I keep my mouth shut until a sister wife was in the foreseeable future. This would keep me from unnecessary hurt in case it never happened. I understand that standpoint, I also know that it was mine and my husband’s desire to let people know who we are and where we stand and how far we stand on God’s word. The topic is much more profound than what a pastor is expected to preach behind the pulpit. Regardless of the denomination, we should read the scriptures in order to find the truth. So, I did what any impatient woman does, I opened up to only a few people I felt I needed to, then I went back onto the forum and wrote this response to my original post.

 “So, I know I asked for advice on coming out, but I ended up doing my own thing anyway. Typical girl move, huh? Lol. Though I did decide to keep it to a minimal amount of people. People in my life that I thought were FOR ME, never against me. I told a Christian individual that warms a pew, a non-christian individual that has a wife with a very gay best friend, and an open-minded “backsliding” (according to the baptist faith) Christian in general if you will. I’m talking about what God’s will for me and my hubby’s life consists of. Plural Marriage. The reason I shared with a few is because of my sincere trust and love I have for them. They love me too, why wouldn’t I share my life journey now, so they know what is to come if or when it happens. Let’s not have my close circle freak out later when they can get used to the idea now. I wanted to share my revelation of how modern church doctrine had twisted the scriptures in order to mold a congregation into what another human pastor teaches, simply because that was what he was taught. I believed that these people would want to know what I know and learn what I learned and how I got to this point of thinking. To understand why I think it is biblical, why I would “Allow” my husband to take on another wife. None of these questions were brought to my attention as I thought they would be. Long story short, my do anything for his little girl father, completely stopped talking to me after telling me I must think I know better than every Baptist pastor. Then my non Christian brother said “You do you, but for honesty’s sake as soon as your husband finds another wife I will never respect him for cheating on you even if it was permissible by you” and lastly the other brother and sister-in-law (the open-minded lefty backsliders) were the most supportive as I pretty much assumed they would be. After all this went down I thought “Well for sheets and giggles why not ask another individual from my husband’s past with whom he had passing conversations with many years ago even before I came along” guess what? He KNEW the word, and he is in it to win it for the kingdom. Praise the Lord! We were floored with what knowledge was spoken to us; it was God speaking through him. We needed those words of encouragement that were very welcoming. However, on the flip-side the eye-opening moments are the not so kind moments I welcome as well. I know now that God is only for us not against us, and for his namesake, we press on come hurt and trials and tribulation. I love my man with all my heart; he is my King, and my heart desire is to please him, alone, -or- with whomever God brings into our future. Yes, this hurts so so deeply, maybe I should have stayed quiet, but I am actually glad I didn’t. I will be stronger because it makes me want to dig deeper and hold on tighter to God’s word.”

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Letters to my Sister Wife: Letting go

April 10th, 2020 Friday

Dearest sister wife,

I wanted to start this journal/letter about a week ago. Writing things down helps me think more clearly. I have not always been this way; it is something I just recently started doing, and I wonder if it is my age. Almost being 40 causes a lot of change in one’s character, I suppose. I am currently in the back seat of our Toyota taking my mind off of Matthew teaching Jamie to drive. I have earbuds in listening to Pandora and writing to you, so I can’t hear what’s going on. I’m too busy writing to look up and see how I might end up dying! My life these days feels like I have no control of anything.


I guess the point is, I NEED TO LET GO. Let life happen. Walk in faith and truth. God and Matthew are leading me to be the strong woman I am meant to be. Oh great! I just freaked out as I felt the car slowing down behind an Amish family in a horse and buggy, Jamie had to pass up. Oh, my soul! Sigh, we didn’t hit them. Thank you, Lord!  I did end up speaking out in freak out mode though. I did what I said I wouldn’t do before we started the driving lesson. I freaked out. I can’t turn up the music loud enough, can’t keep my head down in writing long enough, to do what I set my mind to do. To submit myself in silent stillness and allow Matthew to be the one leading Jamie in her driving lesson. I guess she is not the only one taking a life lesson. Boy, I still have to work on me, I see, but I knew that, I always know that—another reason for these letters.

Love, Jessie

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Letters to my Sister Wife

April 7th , 2020 Tuesday 

To My Dear Sister Wife,

I decided to start writing down my journey from where I am right now in my life, to mine and Matthew’s end goal. The finish line if you will, where we find you. It is when God brings you to us. This process is not an overnight occurrence. This journal will be day by day, month by month journey. If God only has us on this journey to open our eyes to what His word says, to dig deeper into His word, to show others, God, through our life, then these letters will only be a journal for me. From where I started to where I am in the future. I pray maybe, I can also help shine a light for someone else and be of encouragement. 

Love, Jessie

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The Journey Begins, Pathway to Sisterhood

Introduction 

About me: I am a 1st wife who is about to embark on opening up my heart to plural marriage. I am fully submitted to God’s leading in my husband’s life as we move towards our search for a second wife. I was not brought up embracing this kind of lifestyle. I was not exposed to it even in the church. Imagine that.  Those stories are never told. I grew up as an Independent Fundamental Baptist and my family and I still currently attend the same kind of church. Only 2 years ago God opened the door to polygyny in my heart and mind; He hasn’t closed it since. Full disclosure – I have tried to close it many times with everything I can muster.

It wasn’t until the beginning of this year 2020, God had really placed this upon my Husband, Matthew’s heart and oh boy, I was NOT ready for this kind of news, nor was I even on the same page anymore. I didn’t realize what a traumatic toll it was going to take on me. Where before it was nice, happy thoughts we “joked” about often, especially, when I could have used an extra hand. I mentally CHECKED OUT! In reality it was my worst nightmare. Freddy Krueger’s Nightmare on Elm Street had nothing on this. I’d have willingly checked into one of the hotels there and could have had a semi decent life running from deaths door at this point. I could even go as far as to say I think I wanted to be done with religion all together, maybe become atheist, try my best to avoid God and avoid this topic all together. It got real and it got really scary, pretty quick. 

It wasn’t until I had many purposeful, tearful, sometimes angry talks with God that He told me this was His will, not Matthew’s. Matthew was just following what his purpose was, as he walks in faith daily and seeks out the truths in scripture. He told me to learn to temper myself and even though anger and fear was a normal human reaction of the flesh He wanted me to “Be still and know that I am God.” In time many scriptures continued to flood my soul. What are you wanting Lord? Why this? Why NOW? I have only had monogamous relationships, grew up learning monogamy was the only and correct way. I am almost 40 and Lord this seems silly for ME. Why me? And the only answer I ever get to these questions are the fact that we are His Elite. Let that sink in. How beautiful that is. 

 I had no one to lean on and no community to help me embrace this journey. I felt so alone. I just wanted a friend that I could connect with so badly. I needed prayer, I needed encouragement. There were times I needed a shoulder to cry on and even more times that I needed another Godly individual to tell me I wasn’t crazy to go through with this. 

God eventually allowed me to find the friends many of which have come to my aid through divine appointments. But before that came about, he purposefully had me alone for a short season while he spent a lot of one on one time with me. Teaching me to trust him, trust the truth, and trust his will. During my solo journey I dug deeper into scriptures and questioned my own reasoning. I always returned to a place of spiritual grounding. Each time, I had to fight my flesh, fight the enemy, and walk through fire. I eventually came to a place of peace. I’m calling this time in my life “1st wife in training”. I have not received my diploma just yet. I am still in my season of training.  

God put it in my heart to start writing. This is my journey. God’s will be done. Not my own.  

I aim to write down my training and my journey to help more women just like myself. Are you in your own season of struggling to accept Polygyny as God’s will for your own life? I couldn’t imagine what mental anguish 1st wives are putting themselves through without a friend in the world to lean on. A Godly friend that won’t steer them away from the truth. God continues to bring what I need. I believe it is for the purpose of helping out other 1st wives on their journeys. I hope it blesses and encourages and to God be all the glory.