April 18th 2020 (Saturday)
So, wow. Not sure how to start this one. Just wow. Last night was such a spirit filled God breaking chains kind of night. I feel so free now. I just cannot even believe this is real life. Backing up to the beginning of this journey. Submitting has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, not just any submission, but submitting to my husband’s desires. His desire for a second wife. Ok so having a second wife isn’t sin. I see all the wonderful things it can bring to our marriage. What I fear the most in submission when it comes to a second wife is the word love. Not the kissing and hugging and not even the sex really. When I see love, I see my husband holding my sister wife and looking deep into her soul and professing his undying love to her, telling her she is his world and he will be there for her, always. THIS, is my fear and where my jealousy comes from. I fight this demon and fight it often. I’ve prayed and prayed that this feeling would be lifted off of me. When I think, I can handle it and have a good day not thinking about these things again, I have these raging jealous tendencies. The enemy would have me so tight in his grip I could NOT EVER be at peace. I would literally be tormented by this thought 24 hours a day. I could not sleep. I’d wake up daily at around 3 a.m. to the demons that would speak to me, eating away at every inch of me until l completely literally freak out. And my freak out mode would be directed at Matthew. Every time. It got to the point where Matthew would get so annoyed with me even after telling me how much I was loved and how he would never want a second if I felt the way I do. He would hold up his flag and say he gives up. At that moment, I won. You would think I would finally feel better but I didn’t. Matthew would start to question himself as to why he ever thought this was God’s calling. But why? Because I made him submit to ME. That’s right. I manipulated him into submitting to my emotions. When he did this, for a brief moment I felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off of my chest. I would take the biggest sigh of relief. Until God started talking to me. “Jessie, what are you doing? This isn’t right. You need to give Matthew back his place and submit to him. Things will be better this way.” Ugh! Really!? Why God? Why do I have to feel bad again right after I can finally breathe? I would feel such guilt. I felt so ashamed with my manipulation. I didn’t even realize what I was doing. Why was I making my husband who is supposed to be above me, below me? So, I would apologize to Matthew, ask for forgiveness and go back to being so happy because Matthew was back in his place as the leader of his home. All was well after my submission. I felt free and at total peace after I submitted. Me being me, I would repeat this yo-yo instability over and over. Be submitted then get jealous and whine like a baby until he gives up and gives me the power above him. So last night was different. So, last night while Matthew and I made love and made me feel completely loved in his embrace, God showed up. I have never experienced God showing up in any sexual intercourse. This was very different. But he needed to show up here. He needed to be there to tell me and show me he loves me. In that moment God asked “Do you see? I have all the love you need and I can love you fully. Matthew can do the same too. He has enough love for more than just you. He will fully love you and your sister wife with the same amount of love.” I couldn’t help but have a praise session during love making. It was so real, so raw, so God. At that moment my chains of bondage were released from me. Finally. But was it absolutely true? I then asked God to show me if it was. To allow me to feel the same freeing feeling in the morning. So, in the morning I felt alright. I looked over at Matthew and asked him to test me. To tell me something that would have normally upset my stomach. He played out a scenario in his head and shared with me. I still felt free. Then I asked God again, if this is real please allow me to feel this peace when the sun goes down later on. In the evening hours is when my raging hormones always get the best of me. The peace of God was still there. I indeed was free. Not my jealousy issues in a general sense but that Matthew’s love is more than enough for just one. Just like the Fathers.
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