April 16th, 2020 Thursday
Dear Sister Wife,
Screwing up, it seems, is what I do BEST! Not proud of that in the least bit, but I got that one in the bag. I wish with everything in me I could be the best version of me every single day. But my thoughts eat at me and eat at me so much, so I am nothing. I am a nobody. I have no control over just ME. I have no say for myself I have no rights to myself; I have no love for myself. I can’t even think of normal thoughts for myself anymore. So, I screwed life up again. What’s new!?… Hours later, after taking a craptastic run with Matthew. I ran and was running very angry. And then I stopped to cry. Where do these emotions come from, God? Why? Just why? We get home, and Matthew and I talk. Then we fought. He feels I’m not submissive, and I don’t think that I’m not. I am just feeling “things” not good things, and I just don’t know how to describe them and why they still come about when I think I am good, I’m absolutely NOT! Why do I sway so badly? When we get out of the car, I lose control of what I can’t control…AGAIN. What’s new? I need to release my anger. I learned anger comes because my steady ground is shifting. Shifts make me worry. Worry I can’t control makes me angry. This all makes perfect sense now! I get it. After I smashed my new Thermos onto the ground, I breathed a little, thought a little, prayed a little, and then worked up enough strength to talk to Matthew like an emotional wife but controlled it the very best I could. Things worked out. He’s so patient and was able to speak to me in love. He’s such a wonderful man. Like he is always.
Love 1st wife in training, Jessie
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