April 14th 2020 Tuesday
Dear Sister Wife,
I struggled a little bit yesterday with my jealousy issues. The fact that I will one day have to share Mathew’s love. I have to admit though I wasn’t prayed up to even start the day so I guess really, I didn’t start the day right at all. I need to get much better at that. Need to wake up early and get a better perspective on life with God guiding me through His word and meditation. Anyway, while in my jealousy I tend to get very quiet. In my jealousy, I tend to get very upset but it’s not a good enough reason to be mad. It’s what I choose though. This isn’t about jealousy but I heard it best by a guy Mathew talked to on the phone today talking about people in today’s culture not taking the Bible as it is. They only take it how it is preached to them and a lot is wrong. So anyway he said when you open up a different idea, the (right) idea to them and they hear something completely foreign, their stable ground shakes. They cannot control the ground shaking and therefore they get mad because they are not in control of the situation they are used to. It is human nature to feel this way. I guess that is where I am at when my jealous tendencies arise. I get angry. I wonder if I am angry at myself or angry at the situation presented to me. I need to think about that one a little bit. Good question though. I do hope and pray these jealousies pass and pass quickly because I can’t do this anymore. I want total peace in my life. How am I good to anyone without peace? I need it and as a mother my children need it. Anyway, it’s evening and I am upset enough to let Mathew know I just want a shower, to be clean and I want peace and quiet in bed. I do not want any talking or “Intimate” time. I’m much too stressed. Someone please take me out back and put me out of my misery. Sigh. I do hope I wake up on a much happier note in the morning and I don’t want to forget to start with the Bible and prayer.
Love 1st wife in training, Jessie
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